Forgiveness is essential to keep the relationship solid within God’s family and to ensure that all feel a sense of belonging.
Forgiving others can be tough, but it isn’t impossible. If it were impossible, it would be unreasonable for God to command His family to be forgiving people. In Colossians 3:23, Paul, still encouraging behaviours based upon the fact the Christians are chosen, holy and loved, writes, “Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one-another”. As hard as it might be, as members of God’s family, we must work at tolerance and forgiveness. Without these qualities, local gatherings of God’s family can become a simmering pot of bitterness, anger and gossip. Of course, these things often boil over at various times, causing arguments and division. Worse, we no longer look like we belong to God or are related to each other through the blood of Jesus.
Forgiveness is essential to keep the relationship solid within God’s family and to ensure that all feel a sense of belonging. However, knowing this doesn’t mean we always are inclined to forgive. So, the question remains, what makes us hold on to unforgiveness?
1. We fail to appreciate our own forgiveness.
Some time ago, I was teaching a Bible class, and a visitor who had experienced war in his home country asked me how he could forgive his enemies when he witnessed his family member injured from bomb shrapnel. In response to his question, I said this is possible if we understand that through Jesus Christ, God first forgives us. That doesn’t mean that forgiveness is easy. However, the more we contemplate and experience the joy of forgiveness from God for our sins, the more we find the reason and the ability to forgive others. In Colossians 3:13, Paul says, “Forgive as the Lord forgave you.”
Similarly, in Ephesians 4:32, Paul writes, “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”
Now you might be tempted to say, “Yeah, but what people have done to me is so terrible; how can I forgive them? I’ve never done this to anyone”. But instead, God can reply, “Even so, your sins still put my son on the cross.” What Jesus experienced on the cross will always trump what we experience at the hands of others – primarily because He was utterly innocent.
Of course, when God commands us to forgive, He isn’t trying to guilt us into it. Instead, He wants us to recognise the greatness of His forgiveness so that we enjoy its freedom, joy and peace and then, from that state, extend freedom, joy and peace to others.
So, to forgive, we first need to understand how much we have been forgiven, accept that forgiveness and then use that as the basis to forgive other people.
2. We are self-righteous.
Admittedly, if we understand the first point, it should take care of this one and the following; however, because self-righteousness is a significant block in forgiving people, it is worth discussing it.
Self-righteousness is an attitude of moral superiority. A person holding this attitude is not someone with a good grasp of reality – especially the reality of their own sinfulness. They are proud and self-reliant and think they are better than others. This attitude is seen in Jesus’ parable about the Pharisee and the Tax collector. In Luke 18:9-14, Luke records, ‘To some who were confident of their own righteousness and looked down on everybody else, Jesus told this parable: “Two men went up to the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector. The Pharisee stood up and prayed about himself, ‘God, I thank you that I am not like other men-robbers, evildoers, adulterers-or even like this tax collector. I fast twice a week and give a tenth of all I get.’ “But the tax collector stood at a distance. He would not even look up to heaven, but beat his breast and said, ‘God, have mercy on me, a sinner.’ “I tell you that this man, rather than the other, went home justified before God. For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted.”’
This parable is about how our attitude can affect our relationship with God. That said, this attitude can also affect the way we see others. If we have an attitude of moral superiority and an inability to see our faults, why would we need to forgive anyone? We could easily conclude that those who offend us deserve punishment and the denial of any attempt to make amends for their wrongs.
In all kinds of relationships, including amongst God’s family, this attitude is seen when one party refuses to acknowledge wrongdoing and places all blame on the other. Admittedly, there are situations where someone is entirely a victim, but in many cases, both parties overact and say and do things they shouldn’t. In this latter situation, when there is arrogance and self-righteousness, one party will either hold off apologising until the other first takes the initiative, or they will hold a grudge and be unforgiving. In the end, a self-righteous attitude leads to a lack of care for others, places significant obstacles between relationships and causes and an inability for relationships to be repaired.
It, therefore, requires a humble person who takes responsibility for their flaws to forgive others.
3. We believe the other person must repent before we forgive.
This point can result from a self-righteous attitude, but it can also come from a misunderstanding of scripture. The misunderstanding happens because we fail to distinguish between God’s forgiveness and the forgiveness we need to offer other humans. The forgiveness God offers relates to salvation. It is salvation based on the need to satisfy the regulations of a Law code. And it is provided by someone who is perfectly sinless and, at the same, is not vulnerable to human weaknesses, such as hate, bitterness, anger, and a need for revenge.
When receiving salvation and God’s forgiveness, one of the conditions is genuine repentance. However, as humans, we cannot provide eternal salvation as a way to satisfy a divine law. Additionally, humans are greatly affected by an unforgiving attitude. Since this is the case, what should we do if we can’t forgive until someone repents? Should we hold on to hate and the need for retaliation because we can’t forgive? Should we stay in emotional and internal pain because of their hardness of heart? I would suggest that from a human perspective, we need to forgive others, whether or not they repent, for our own sense of well-being and to prevent sin, such as hate, from hindering our relationship with God.
That, perhaps, is one of the reasons Jesus, as a human, cried from the cross, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing” (Luke 23:34). Similarly, Stephen when he was being stoned also cried saying in regards to his persecutors, “Lord, do not hold this sin against them.”
When we fail to forgive others, it destroys us emotionally and spiritually and prevents any chance of healing and reconciliation. That is not to say that the perpetrators will enjoy the benefits of that forgiveness. They may choose to continue in their state of unrepentance. However, should they seek our forgiveness, the fact that it is already available may also affect them to the point where they seek forgiveness from God.
As humans, we need to forgive whether a person repents or not because it impacts our relationship with God and eventually hurts us.
4. We equate forgiveness to trust.
Sometimes we hold back forgiveness because we feel we can’t forgive someone we don’t trust. However, forgiveness and trust are not always compatible. And neither should they be. Just because we forgive others, even if they repent, doesn’t mean that we should be naïve and think they have overcome their propensity towards certain sinful behaviours. Sometimes, lust and sinful habits and behaviours are deeply ingrained, and it can take time for someone to overcome them.
Putting these people in roles and positions where they are vulnerable to their weaknesses can damage them and us. For instance, should we allow a person to be a church treasurer even though they have sought forgiveness for stealing? I understand there are a lot of factors to consider, but the main point is that just because they are forgiven doesn’t mean they have yet earnt the right to take on such a position. If someone has been physically abusive towards their family, they can be forgiven, but that doesn’t mean they automatically have the right to move back into the family home. In some situations, it may be even better to forgive the abuser but maintain some distance and have little to do with them. Such action is not being unloving but wise and discerning. My reasoning on this matter comes from the understanding that forgiveness and trust are two different things. Of course, they can go together but not always. As Christians, we are to forgive others, but we are not commanded to trust our fellow humans instantly. In fact, we are encouraged to be discerning and to test people. Even Jesus didn’t blindly trust people even though they came to Him and believed in Him. In John 2:23-24, we read, “Now while he was in Jerusalem at the Passover Feast, many people saw the miraculous signs he was doing and believed in his name. But Jesus would not entrust himself to them, for he knew all men”. Even though these people believed in Jesus, He knew their hearts were fickle, and he was unable to trust them. In 1 John 4:1, the apostle John writes, “Dear friends, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits to see whether they are from God.” Admittedly, John is referring to testing to see if someone is a false teacher or not. However, the principle stands that we should be careful about blindly trusting people. Instead, we should test them and let them prove themselves. When it comes to trusting those who have hurt us in some way, we should expect to see the fruit of repentance in their life (Matthew 3:8). In other words, for those who seek our trust, there should be some evidence of consistent change.
So, for many, not trusting perpetrators is justified. However, that doesn’t mean we can’t forgive. Forgiveness and trust are two different things.
Forgiveness primarily relates to past behaviour and a willingness not to hold a grudge or pursue revenge. It is based on grace and paves the way for reconciliation because it gives those who hurt us another chance to get things right. Trust, on the other hand, is earnt over time with consistent good behaviour.
Although we might forgive someone for their wrongs, that doesn’t mean we need to trust them automatically. Instead, let those forgiven also earn back trust by demonstrating stability and consistency in doing good.
Conclusion:
So, what is it that makes us hold on to unforgiveness towards others?
1. We fail to appreciate our own forgiveness.
2. We are self-righteous.
3. We believe the other person must repent before we forgive.
4. We equate forgiveness to trust.
