Perhaps in some way, most of us struggle with perfectionism. Perfectionism, as the name suggests, is rooted in the desire to be flawless in some way. In many respects, such a desire is understandable when we consider it was once a characteristic of humanity and the world before sin. Unfortunately, since perfection cannot be achieved in this life, pursuing it can be cognitively and emotionally exhausting. It can even lead to a decline in physical wellbeing because of the ordeal we subject our bodies to when chasing it.
So, what areas of our life can perfectionism impact? Honestly, it can impact any aspect of our life. We may find ourselves longing for the perfect marriage, body (In other words, seeking the ideal figure, weight, and appearance), work performance, parents, children, decisions, grades in school or routine. Fuelling the perfectionistic tendency is often the painful awareness of sin, a distorted view of God, a strict upbringing, unhelpful and ignorant comparisons to others, excessive and unrealistic goal setting and rigid mental models. Furthermore, we are often held captive to the idea of perfection by a false belief that if we don’t get things spot on, something terrible will happen. Or, that we will never be happy. In religion, perfectionism is rooted in the belief that God will bless me if I do everything right. In the end, perfectionism creates a distorted picture of reality and leads us into a vicious cycle of temporal relief followed by fear and despair. As a result, we can often find ourselves in the very chaos we had so desperately want to avoid. So the question remains, how can we escape perfectionism? Here are seven suggestions
1. Be strong in grace.
Coming to terms with our sinful side is never easy. Even once we become a Christian, it may take time for us to reach a point where we can be honest with God, our self and others about our sin. However, once we are aware of sin, we can soon busy ourselves by doing lots of good deeds to compensate for our wrongdoings and to gain God’s favour. Now let me be clear, a certain amount of wanting to make amends and desiring to do good is a healthy sign that our heart is turning to God. Yet that is a far cry from an unhealthy attitude that wants to get everything just right before accepting salvation in Christ or feeling loved by God.
When it comes to being liberated from spiritual and moral perfectionism, understanding God’s grace is crucial (2 Timothy 2:1, Romans 5:20-21). By understanding God’s grace, particularly as demonstrated in the life and death of Jesus, we soon learn that receiving salvation is not so much about getting our self perfectly right but about humbly receiving it despite our unworthiness. Upon receiving salvation, having confidence in God’s grace allows us to see our self from God’s point of view and to come to understand that He loves us deeply despite our continued imperfections. Secure in the knowledge of God’s constant kindness towards us, we then have the safety net to pursue the things that please Him based on love. Even if we stumble and sin, we know that He is there ready to lift us up again.
2. Learn to be flexible and appropriately evaluate what standard is needed.
Much of the pain associated with perfectionism, especially in everyday life, results from an inflexible mindset, inability to estimate the importance of each duty, and inability to scale excellence.
Of course, some things require a very high standard, and there is no way around it. For instance, when it comes to surgery, legal matters, construction, other’s safety, it is only appropriate that people strive for the best service they can give (Daniel 6:4-5). But not everything warrants the dedication, time and effort it takes to excel at something. I mean, does it really matter if we make the bed and the sheets and pillows are not perfectly symmetrical? Or the dinner is a little overcooked? In many cases, good enough is good enough (Luke 10:41-42). In my opinion, those who can discern when a high standard is required and when good enough is sufficient tend to be the most satisfied in life. There are also some activities where a good enough attitude might lead to excellence because it allows us to work on an activity with a relaxed mind. A few years ago, when I was pursuing a course of study, I had extreme difficulty writing the assigned essays since I was expecting High Distinctions every time. Eventually, my sister noted that a lower grade Credit still allows you to get your qualification. As I trained my mind to settle for a Credit, the writing became easier, more satisfying and sometimes – more often than not – I received a higher mark than I expected.
So how might you develop a more flexible approach to life and better evaluate when high standards are necessary and what level of excellence is required? Firstly, ask yourself what is the cost if I don’t do this task well? Secondly, ask, is this a task or situation where good enough is acceptable? Thirdly, what is the bare minimum necessary for safety and to meet appropriate expectations? Fourthly, what level of excellence am I striving for beyond the basic requirements? On the scale of excellence between 1-10, with 10 being perfection, am I aiming for 3, or a 5, or an 8? Sometimes a 2, or a 3, might be all that is needed.
When it comes to overcoming perfectionism, it is helpful to be nuanced in our approach to tasks and appropriately evaluate their importance and what level of excellence you need to apply.
3. Focus on growth and progress.
Another problem with perfectionism is that it expects high standards but does not provide the time and practise needed to achieve those standards. That is part of what makes perfectionism an irrational and impractical attitude. Most of those who achieve excellence in a particular endeavour don’t just get there overnight. It often takes years of practise, coaching and dedication. Therefore, putting on yourself the expectation of achieving something others have accomplished over many years is not helpful. Even when it comes to our Christian walk, it’s not fair to expect of ourselves the same level of knowledge and Christlikeness that only comes from years of studying God’s word and purposeful application. In the New Testament letters, the emphasis is on maturing rather than instant perfection (consider Hebrews 5:11-6:3, Phil 3:12, 2 Peter 1:3-11 &3:18).
It is far more beneficial for us to focus on growth instead of excessively fixating on outcomes and instant achievements. When we aim towards growth, our mind naturally relaxes as it knows that mistakes are a part of the learning process. We also recognise the value of celebrating progress, no matter how small that might be. So the real question to consider is: Can you look back over the past week, month, year or 20 years and see that you are a better quality person than you once were? Are you more patient and loving? Are you more holy? Are you more discerning? Are you more skilled?
4. Decouple perfectionism from your identity.
Unfortunately, sometimes we let our flaws and the ways we label ourselves define us. We tell our self that we are someone who always does this or that. However, doing so can sometimes connect these flaws or labels so closely to our identity that it can make it especially hard to overcome as we see it as an intrinsic part of who we are. Sometimes we do this with perfectionism.
Rather than letting perfectionism become so closely linked to your identity, it is far better for you to be defined by who you are becoming. This is why in scripture we read about God/Jesus changing names of certain people. (Gen 17:5, Gen 32:28, John 1:40-42). The new name provided a description to the recipients about who they would eventually become. As Christians, what you are becoming is Christlike, and that should be what you ultimately associate with your identity. It doesn’t mean we ignore our flaws. It just means we refuse to be anchored to them and instead are determined to stay fixated on who we would like to be.
So, rather than stating to our self, “I am a perfectionist”, it would be better to say, “Sometimes, I succumb to perfectionism, but that is not who I am. Instead, I am someone who is learning to be flexible and reasonable in my pursuit of excellence”.
5. Apply limits and time frames.
All us have lived within limits and time frames since being born into the world. These limits and time frames are placed upon us by God, society, families, work and nature (Acts 17:24-28). It is a normal part of life. However, do you ever think about applying your own limits and time frames to the different parts of your life? It can be quite helpful, especially where perfectionism is concerned. What you do is assign a limit or time frame to a task, project, goal or decision and determine that you are going to do the best job you can within the boundaries and timeframe you set. Once that limit and time frame has been reached. Move on, even if you have to leave some items incomplete or not to a standard you would prefer. For instance, perhaps give yourself and hour or two to clean the house. Do as much as you can along with the best quality work you can do during that period. Once that time is finished be content with what you have done and move on to another activity. Another way to apply this is with decision making. Sometimes we can be paralysed in the decision making process because we are looking for the perfect solution or situation. However, looking for the perfect when it is unlikely to be found can add to the stress of life. Rather than do this, apply limits to the amount of options you are considering (in saying this it is usually better to at least look at two or more options for comparison) and give yourself a suitable deadline for making the decision. If you don’t feel comfortable with a solution or you feel you haven’t gathered enough information – put it on the back burner or forget about it. Or, if you feel like you can make a reasonable yet imperfect decision by the deadline, make it and take action.
Knowing when to finish something or to cut your losses and move on is a part of living a wise life (Ecclesiastes 2:1-8).
6. Be mindful that you are not living by other’s unrealistic expectations.
Sometimes it is much easier to place expectations on others than to live up to them ourselves. That was certainly the case with the religious leaders in the days of Jesus (Matthew 23). They were placing all kinds of burdensome rules and traditions on people but were unable, or just didn’t bother, to live up to them themselves (Matthew 23:3). Perhaps, to some extent, we all have a habit of placing expectations on others that we cannot live up to. At the same time, we can find ourselves caught in unhelpful narratives that originated with others. Even as adults, we can live out the unhealthy expectations that our parents instilled in us. Other expectations are placed on us by church members, peers, society or those in authority. It is not that all traditions or standards by others are wrong or must be avoided. But when these are unbiblical, unrealistic, or impact our wellbeing, they must be recognized and appropriately restricted.
7. 7. Be kind to yourself.
For some reason, it seems that we humans have a tendency to be softer on others than on ourselves. There are certainly times when we should feel bad for our behaviours, but we also need to be mindful about beating ourselves up. After calling for the Corinthian church to discipline an immoral man in his first letter, Paul, in 2 Corinthians 2:5-11, is keen to ensure that this man, having repented, did not reach a point of excessive sorrow. Paul knew that for this man to be overly sad or harsh on himself would do more harm than good and would not bring about righteous living. With the help of his fellow Christians, what this man needed was to forgive himself and continue in the path of repentance.
I love how the writer in Psalm 42:5 speaks to his troubled soul. He didn’t give himself a mean pep talk. Instead, he compassionately redirected his soul to God and to trust Him.
When you fail in life or at a task – yes, you will at times – don’t beat yourself up too much. Doing so has little benefit and can further feed perfectionism. Instead, be gracious and compassionate to yourself. That doesn’t mean you let your guard down and willingly let yourself go into sin or other unhelpful behaviours. It just means that you kindly pick yourself up and allow yourself to keep striving for reasonable excellence.
Final Thought:
Even though most of us struggle with perfectionism at times, if we aim to implement healthy principles – notice I said “aim to” not “perfectly implement” – we will find it possible to pursue excellence without letting it rob us of joy or exhaust us.
